"embrace the darkness"

Kevin Colon is a pastor from Colorado with whom I'm traveling. Over a mango fruit shake at the City View Cafe in Hanoi, he told me that his church expects its people to see change or growth in their understanding over time. Complacency isn't okay. Progress is expected.

My question in response was: What would you say to the person who tells you he or she has not seen any growth/change in a year; it has just been a solid year of confusion, doubt, wandering, searching, numbness, dullness, coldness, dryness, etc. (I am, unfortunately, prone to such periods myself, and might be intimidated by a church that expected otherwise.)

Kevin's answer was, "embrace the darkness." For that person, growth is simply hanging on, waiting for God in the dark, believing (with whatever small, dim faith is possible) that God will bring light, and resisting the temptation to couterfeit that light ourselves in the meantime.

It reminded me of a conversation I had a few weeks ago with a friend about the eucharist. She, like me, struggles with doubt - a struggle that is rarely spoken among modern evangelicals. In tears, she described a thought she often had during the ritual: "God, I don't even know if I believe in what this represents, but I will take it from you."

I think that's a beautiful example of embracing the darkness. She is honest with God about her doubt, but she does not ultimately give in to doubt. She takes what God gives her and believes, barely, that light will come.

Perhaps I am romanticizing doubt because I struggle with it myself, as well as with frustration at slow, often imperceptible growth in my faith.

Why does this go in my travel blog? Besides the fact that it has  been on my mind as I've traveled, I was also reminded of the idea in my final meeting with Vietnamese government officials two days ago. I emerged from the meeting with a healthy reality check about the incredible difficulty of implementing religion regulation in some Vietnamese provinces where protestantism is only a recent phenomenon.

The reasons for this difficulty are many: conflicts between the local culture/religion and Christianity; land rights related to family religious commitments; low education levels; depressed socioeconomic conditions; remote geographic locations; local officials who are unaccustomed to being subject to the law; etc., etc.

I was discouraged to realize that progress will be slow and messy in these areas. I can't produce the outcomes I want in the timeline I want. It is difficult to discern what progress looks like in this muddy context. I'll keep working, but it will sometimes feel futile and furstrating. The most important changes may be imperceptible (such as mindset changes in local officials).

But I can hang on, wait for God in the dark, and believe (with whatever small, dim faith is possible) that light will come.

Comments

[Betty Brown]

Amy: Just remember that you are planting the seeds of Christianity - others down the line will reap the harvest. Keep up the good work and know that we are praying for you daily.

[Elizabeth Luu]

Unfortunately, romanticizing doubt seems to be the exercise “du jour” in “post- postmodern” Christianity. So what then can we make of James 1:6, “But let him ask in faith, without any doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven by the wind and tossed.”? Here is a great link I found when thinking about this question-http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/1981/278_What_Do_Answers_to_Prayer_Depend_On/
I hope we can all look back one day to realize that God is and was there in the “darkness” and maybe at times we could even be like Oenothera lamarckiana aka the Evening Primrose which blooms and grows in the darkness of night.

Blessings to you sister…I hope you feel better soon!